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Home > Bottling Farts

Bottling Farts

Bottling Farts

By Donald Rump


Could the greatest power...

The path to riches beyond our wildest imagination...

The key to reaching the highest level of spiritual awareness and happiness... obtained by bottling farts???

"'s our secret..." Vlad told the little boy. "Use the power wisely..."


Henry Winkle wasn’t your ordinary pint-sized little bastard. He was an exceptionally evil turd who enjoyed taunting others, even giants that towered over him and could crush his tiny, Raisinet balls with ease. No wonder the miscreant was held back an entire year, and his parents had no choice but to send him to the Catholics after he was expelled from the public school across the street. Just two weeks at his new school, he’d already pissed off most of the faculty, notably the soft-spoken Father Amos (or was it Anus?) who embraced everyone, even demonically possessed little shits who enjoyed super gluing nuns to chairs. When his parents received word of Henry’s latest exploits—swapping holy water with toilet water at the front of the church—they wondered if he might be better off at military school. Perhaps they should just load him into a cannon and fire in the direction that they thought Fork Union Military Academy was.

Hell, it was worth a shot.

Download a sample (PDF)


This is a short story written as part of the JA Konrath 8-hour challenge. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the title captured my attention right away. What man doesn't think flatulence is still an important, interesting, entertaining, even exciting aspect of our everyday lives? A man who hasn't been taught the fine art of bottling a fart, that's who.
—Angry Games

Fun story about a boy who is given the ultimate secret to defeating ones enemies, attracting women and ruling the world. A secret that involves farts and bottling them. This is the only guide to bottling farts you'll ever need.
—Cora Buhlert

I must admit to being disappointed, at least at first. Despite its no-nonsense title and serious cover, Bottling Farts utterly fails as a self-help book for chemical warfare aficionados of the survivalist persuasion. Between me and you, there's just not enough "How to."

But then, maybe the world doesn't need another How to Weaponize Your Farts manual. So it's a good thing. A nasty, smelly, naughty, not-for-kids good thing. I suspect the author, Donald Rump, is all of those things, too.

So if it's not a how-to guide, what is Bottling Farts? If you think a story about farts-as-mind-control is funny, it's flat-out flatulent frivolity. If you've got the urge to see a naughty kid give an odiferous adult a whiff of his own medicine, it's the gas.

Butt... butt...
The ending stinks. Also the middle.
Stinks so good.

—Lindy Moone

Product Information

  • Categories: Humor, Short Stories
  • Language: English
  • Date Published: August 24, 2013
  • Word Count: 2,408
  • ISBN-10: 1624544827
  • ISBN-13: 978-1-62454-482-8

Keywords: fun, funny, crazy, fart, farts, story, stories, gross, gas, tale, tales, hilarious, constipated, old man, humor, humorous, comedy, flatulence, fart tricks, butt, gas, gassy, cranky

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